Hello! 

Thank you for the kind remarks. To answer your question, I would say that in general yes, the piece works as a diversity statement. If you wanted to improve it, however, I would recommend expanding more on the last paragraph and the 'where do you currently stand/how are you moving forward' section, as this is the most important aspect of these sorts of statements, and right now those ideas feel a little cramped as appearing only in the last half of the last paragraph. Hope this helps!