Good evening,<br />I was able to get to your document tonight. I have to do the editing jobs as they come in - or as they're sent to me with due dates - so I apologize if there was any confusion. That's something you might want to take up with the owners of the site, because I have no say in that matter.<br /><br />As for your document, your passion and experience shine through. My edits were mostly done for clarity and consistency, along with some for tense changes, grammar, and avoiding dangling modifiers.<br /><br />My notes:<br />*There is some repetition. For example, the word 'research' is (understandably) used a lot, particularly at the beginning. Are there some other ways you can get across this idea without sounding repetitive?<br />*Sometimes you used the Oxford comma, and sometimes you didn't. This is the comma found before the word AND in a list. So using it looks like this: "I bought apples, bananas, and oranges" or without it would be, "I like monkeys, lions and giraffes." It really doesn't officially matter which way you do it, but try to be consistent. I'd say more people prefer to keep it there, so that's how I edited it.<br />*In your notes you mentioned you want to be more persuasive. Paragraphs 2-4 feel a bit impersonal. You list your experience and accomplishments in studies/research, which are certainly exemplorary and impressive, but they are lacking a personal touch - what did these accomplishments mean to you? What makes them unique to YOUR perspective? As I used to tell students writing college apps, these accomplishments are great but could be written about you instead of BY you. Make it your story that only YOU could tell.<br /><br />With that said, your passion shines through and it is clear you'd make a great candidate.&nbsp;<br /><br />I wish you the best.<br /><br />Thanks,<br />Ryan