Hello! <br /><br />For this statement, I focused on grammar and connecting sentences together to make sure that the prose wasn't too choppy and read in a more smooth, cohesive manner. I left several comments on the side throughout the piece either explaining certain edits or offering suggestions for your consideration, so be sure to look out for those! The biggest issue you want to consider is how your paragraphs connect to one another--as I mention in my comments, there are a few areas that don't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your piece, making it sometimes difficult to follow. Feel free to message me if you have any questions, and please don't forget to rate my service! Thanks. =)