Hi there. I've attached your document, with edits and comments in track changes. One thing I didn't mention is that the second paragraph seems to repeat a lot of what is already in the first paragraph. There's a bit of extra information, but I think most of it could be cut. What role is that second paragraph supposed to play compared to the first?<br /><br />Let me know if you have any questions or concerns, or want to talk about that second paragraph more!<br /><br />Oren