Hi Vivian!<br /><br />Congratulations on finishing another novel. As in War of Rain, you do a great job keeping up a fast-paced plot and creating characters that shift and change with the progression of the story. Once again, the biblical overtones are noticeable, but not overwhelming.<br /><br />Here are some big issues that I'd like to address in terms of plot:<br /><br />1. You never explain how Lindeen healed Druzy's eyes.<br />2. We don't get any conclusion about whether Lindeen is or is not the Goddess, and no final word from her after Clara comes back out of the computer.&nbsp;<br />3. Clara's relationship with Phoenix needs more building before he tells her they can't be partners. There are only a few mentions of it beforehand, then suddenly she's entirely broken from his rejection.<br />4. Lindeen's explanation of how she got into the computer needs to be fleshed out. You present a blend of computer science and biology that is not quite as believable as it needs to be, but with a few more details could be solid.<br />5. The Ice Clan is far too willing to help out again after Clara and Phoenix visit them the second time. They might have gained the Ice Clan's assistance by bargaining for the crystals to be fixed, but the Priestess then pledges her loyalty to the commune somewhat without reason. It doesn't seem feasible. Maybe add a scene between the Priestess and Lindeen in which the Goddess wins the Priestess over.<br /><br />Some big changes I made:<br />1. Just like in War of Rain, I reinterpreted Clara's thoughts as general narration. Since the story is told from her persepective, you don't always need to stop and tell the reader what she's thinking. Via indirect discourse, you can do both at once. <br />2. I added to certain sections, particularly the kids' escape from the ice fortress, in order to make plot points clearer and more credible. I of course maintained your voice and style, but I don't want to be intrusive with my edits. Consider the new material in these sections and keep what you like. &nbsp;<br />3. I'm not sure if the Priestess' dialogue was always in italics to separate her character from everyone else, but you should reserve italics for emphasis or thought. I changed the majority of her dialogue back to normal and saved the italics for only certain special lines.<br /><br />Other than that, I left you plenty of in-text comments to help explain my edits. Let me know if you have any questions at all. Thank you again for a great project. I really enjoy working with you and I hope we can do so again soon!<br /><br />Best,<br />Reina<br /><br />P.S. I thought it was interesting that, as allegorical Egyptians, the Ice Clan&nbsp;became the commune's ally in the end. Throughout the novel, I was assuming they would be clear antagonists, but they never quite became as such. Could there perhaps be another story coming in which they prove themselves one way or another? :)