Thank you for your sample, although with such a short piece, half of the page, it is impossible to make a judgement.<br />I felt it read better, but the short stacato sentences/paragraphs left me feeling it was a list.<br />I started writing like that in my first book, this is part of the 4th. I received some hateful reviews about the writing style, so I looked at what they rated as good. It appears they liked pages of description, but the plot, if there was one, hardly went anywhere.<br />I have tried to reach the middle ground.<br />As this part of the book is key to hooking the reader, I had hoped to build a feeling of "what is going on here?" in the part you addressed. The next part reveals it is an execution, so no more mystery.&nbsp;The description concentrates on the cold, harsh reality of it.<br />I appreciate your time is money, but I do need more from you than what you provided.<br />Thank you for your work so far.