This draft shows some potential, but there are a lot of redundancies and tangential parts irrelevant to what you should be trying to say in your personal statement. I've left commentary on specific sections and given recommendations where I think appropriate (for instance, at the beginning where you don't clarify what type of Bachelors degree you're pursuing--since a BA and a BS are different kinds of degrees), but if you have any further questions or concerns please let me know by sending a message.<br /><br /> I want to make sure you get the best possible editing job, so please let me know if there's anything that prevents you from confidently rating me five stars so I can remedy my shortcomings.