Hi Vivian,<br /><br />Hope you had a wonderful Halloween! As it turns out, I was able to get this back to you by your initial due date&nbsp;(yay!). It was so fun to read your work in this new genre. Your writing style was still prominent, but it was great to see you flex your versatility.&nbsp;<br /><br />Here are a few overarching notes:<br /><br />1. <strong>Timeline:</strong> I highly suggest using date stamps at the beginning of chapters that introduce time hops. After a few bouts of fast-forwarding, it became hard to remember how many years had passed. This will also make the narration a little more natural, because you can simply refer to characters in their current state instead of prefacing their description with phrases like "by now" or "after five years."<br /><br />2. <strong>Vernacular/Accents:</strong> Use the way Logan speaks to show his progression into refinement. In the beginning, he should use lots of slang (the same and Jarod and Lee), then, as he spends more and more time with the Monarchs, he should begin to sound more proper. Along this same vein, don't let Monarchs fall into extremely casual language. They shouldn't fade back and forth between good grammar and slang. Do be careful with overdoing the contractions, though. Even with characters who use heavy jargon, don't put more than one or two slang words in a sentence or it will become difficult to read.&nbsp;<br /><br />3. <strong>Character usage:</strong> Logan goes through multiple transformations, and the people he surrounds himself change in accordance. That's all well and good, but don't forget about the older characters just because Logan isn't with them anymore. He should think back to times in his previous life, keeping the original characters relevant throughout the story. The biggest example of this is Jarod and Lee. After Logan becomes a Monarch, they fall off the face of the earth. Try to weave earlier aspects of Logan's life into the later chapters. Maybe he meets up with his old friends again after he leaves the Ring?<br /><br />4. <strong>Clothing descriptions:</strong> It's not necessary to tell the reader what characters are wearing at the beginning of every scene. It works when it's important to show status (such as Logan's leather shoes), but oftentimes it doesn't make a difference to the plot. Even when you do choose to describe a character's outfit, don't itemize every single aspect. Tell us about a beautiful necklace, or a flattering trim, but not everything they have on.&nbsp;<br /><br />5. <strong>The devil:</strong> You'll notice in my in-text comments that I kept this very metaphorical. For this genre, I think it's more appropriate to have evil as a lingering force rather than a single person. It works better with your "feeling of being watched" trope too.&nbsp;<br /><br />The only plot dicrepancy I found was the issue of Logan being asked to make so many sacrifices. Why did he have to be the one to kill them? If every Monarch needs to make one sacrifice, shouldn't they be the ones to keep doing it? Maybe have Hunter give some sort of explanation about this when he first asks Logan to kill the hedge fund manager.&nbsp;<br /><br />And that's it! Again, wonderful job. I can't wait to see what else you've got up your sleeve :)<br /><br />As always, let me know if you have any questions!<br /><br />All the best,&nbsp;<br />Reina<br /><br />