Hi, Jon,<br /><br />Please don't panic when you see all the red! Query lettersmust be precisely crafted to grab the agent's attention and set your idea apart from the hundreds of submissions they recieve. It is also hard to edit the letter without knowing exactly how the story goes. If you would like to submit the story for editing, or at least let me read it, I could better help with the query letter. As it stands, I made many changes and suggestions, and youshould feel free to reject what doesn't work. Also, feel free to address the comments I've made, make your own changes, and send the letter back to me for reworking. You can do this by sending it as an attachment to a message so you don't get charged again.<br /><br />I love the idea and I look forward to seeing what you think!<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br />Laura Kenney